"Don't Call Me Basic, Bitch" Pumpkin Spice Loaf

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"Alright, so what you’re telling me is that you try to limit your meat intake unless you feel confident about its source AND you believe in eating simple and whole foods, while also being someone with an artistic streak? I dunno," he exhaled with exaggeration, clearly exasperated. "It's all just a bit....well..." he wiggled his fingers around in the air, "generic."

"Riiiight" I took a gulp of my giant latte, (why hadn't I ordered a small?! ALWAYS GO SMALL!)  willing it to transform into something stronger. Why wasn't there whiskey in here? WHY?!?! Because I had chosen a café. Cafés are safe.  Cafes are quick. Cafes score low on the risk of death by dating index. With a café, you don't have to commit to being there too long. There are typically lots of people around, you don't have to deal with wait staff which means there's an escape available due to the pay at the counter grab and go set up.  As a side note, however, someone seriously needs to create a café that has those bar shooter type girls walking around, ready to dump something stronger into your drink should the scenario call for it. 

I forced the scalding gulp of latte back down my throat, pressing hard against my natural instinct to open the floodgates to send it back up again, spraying it into his face with all the fury and wrath of a medieval dragon, instead channeling that fire into the ujjayi breath I had been practicing at yoga. Take a breath. That’s it,  inhale. Count to 3, and exhale. Ok, where were we? "Did, you just call me basic?" I asked, wrinkling my nose with a look of confusion typically reserved for when trying to decipher something obscure said to me from one of my students. He seemed like a somewhat logical individual with some semblance of manners. He couldn't possibly be saying what I think he was saying. 

He stared at me from across the table. One eyebrow cocked with a smug glimmer of satisfaction beginning to spread across his face. <<internal thought reel: UMMM FOR THE RECORD IT IS OCTOBER AND ALSO SCARVES ARE TRENDY SO SHUT UP, AND ALSO THEY CAN BE USED TO DISGUISE YOUR FACE IF YOU NEED TO MAKE A SNEAKY EXIT AND ALSO, ARE YOU AN IDIOT? He was. >>

 Anyways, back to the Basic Bitch (who later earns the title of "Back Alley Mouth Plunderer" but we will get to that later).

"Well, seeing as it's all stuff that I am quite passionate about, I would be inclined to say that it's what makes me interesting and dynamic and that's not at all generic." (Ha! Take that you stupid smug with your mug man) Yet there he was, staring back at me blankly in that way people do to indicate that they have no possibility of computing what you have just said and therefore need you to continue to speak in order to flick the switch and illuminate the inner attic of their mind, cobwebs and all.

"Well, maybe you meet a lot of people like me so for you it seems familiar and that makes you feel like it's generic?"I offered. Nothing. Still darkness. Why the hell was I trying to placate this guy? I have no idea.  My best guess would be that at this point in my life I was still being driven by an intense need to detect and smooth out possibly awkward scenarios while also protecting the other person's feelings. 

He pursed his lips, looking off to the side, nodding to himself slowly. "So, you like to cook then?" He asked. Things seemed like they were turning a corner. "Oh yeah!" I bounced back, energetically," I quite enjoy learning about food, trying new recipes, collecting different books and tackling challenging..." "Oh, ok good, he interrupted, "That's really good to know. It's uh...well, a very important quality for me in a woman." Now it was my turn to return the blank stare. BRAIN NOT COMPUTING INPUT ERROR OCCURRING. " Uhhh, why?!? I blurted out, exasperated, "can you NOT cook?"

Nothing. Staring. Not computing. User error. Input error. System crash and reboot.

Reveling in my new found basic bitchness I took another gulp of my latter (it was not spiced, however)

As I was so clearly being called out as being a "Basic Bitch" what better way to celebrate that label than with some jam-packed full of pumpkin spice? I hope you take this treat and enjoy it curled up on the couch with some leggings and an oversized sweater and a perfectly crafted latte. And please, don't forget to take an aerial shot of and share to Instagram, #blessed.

The "Don't Call Me Basic, Bitch" Pumpkin Spice Loaf:


Not pictured here are: ugg boots, oversized sweater, hipster mandolin album playing on repeat and super comfy leggings.


Get your shit together:

1 cup sugar (can use coconut palm sugar as a substitute and still tastes great!)
1/2 cup olive oil
2 eggs
1 cup canned pumpkin puree
1 good baking apple (approximately 1 cup grated)
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup chopped walnuts + extra for topping

Mix it up:

1 Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9-inch loaf pan

2) Mix together the sugar and oil until blended, then add the eggs and pumpkin.

3) Strain the excess juice from the grated apples by placing apples into a colander and cover with paper towel, pressing down to extract the juice. Repeat as needed. Let apples sit for several minutes to drain. 

4) Add the grated apples to the pumpkin mixture and mix to combine.

5) In another bowl, stir together the flours, spices, salt, baking powder and baking soda.

6) Add the pumpkin mixture to the dry ingredients and stir until combined. Mix in the walnuts and let the batter rest for 15 to 20 minutes.

7) When ready to bake, pour the batter into the loaf pan. Bake until the loaf is very dark and a tester inserted deep into the middle comes out clean, about 60 - 75 minutes.

8) Transfer to a cooling rack and cool in pan for ten minutes, then turn onto rack to cool completely.

Like this recipe? Find it and tons others like it over at one of my favourite sites, Food52

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